Quick Update

Yes, I'm still here. Kinda. My computer is kaputt. I'm using Jon's until we get back to the States in December. The German computers have German keyboards, so I don't want one of those (on a desktop, I could switch out keyboards, of course, but you don't really have that option on a laptop). And the BX here has limited option at higher prices than you can get just ordering direct from HP or Dell or whatever. So Jon set up an account for me on his laptop so I can send and receive e-mail and get online.

I'm nearly recovered from what turned out to be two D&C's less than a week apart. Note to anyone seeing a new doctor: when you hand them your medical records, don't expect that they'll actually READ them or anything. Do remind them BEFORE you go into surgery that you have funky anatomy and they might want to PAY ATTENTION to anything unusual. 'Cause if you don't? You may have to go through it all again, after spending the weekend wondering if you've finally cracked and are having psychologically-induced pregnancy symptoms. The good part was that the second surgery was done by the head of the practice, who I found to be much more on the ball (well, she should be, since they basically already made a mistake with me); more fluent in English; and having reassuring, motherly bedside manner. I think I'll stick with her if I can (she's incredibly busy, and having met her, I know why).

Katrina has started swimming lessons and loves them. Funny how she'll let a relative stranger teach her to do something, yet balk when her own parents attempt to teach the exact same thing. Of course, we're not exactly qualified swim teachers, but Miss Angie got her to float on her back in 2 lessons. Something both Jon and I had attempted before, but K. resisted. Ah, the magic of perky, enthusiastic swim instructors!

That's it for now. Time to pick up Katrina from school.

There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't nothing to be ashamed of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

Now, people say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear

I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

(by Rich Mullins)

We went back to the doctor today. Everything looked healthy except where the baby should be. A blighted ovum, I think I've heard it called in English, though he didn't know that term. He said it just couldn't grow and develop properly. We scheduled a D&C for Thursday.

It wasn't anything to do with my rather complicated medical history, he said. It was just...fate. Not meant to be.

I'm actually okay. I've been very sad, but knowing is a relief. And you know? It's hard to concentrate on a good mope when you have the cutest little family already.

Waiting

I had a little boy once. We saw his heartbeat a few days before Christmas 2004, when we rushed to the hospital sure that he was already gone. But there he was, a beautiful smudge on the sonogram, with a winking little heart.

My doctor found this encouraging, and for a few hours, so did I. Then the cramps and bleeding renewed for a few days, and then faded away. It was the holidays. No one was available to do yet another sonogram. So we made an appointment for a few weeks hence, and we waited.

As a week or so went by, I began to hope again. Foolishly, maybe, but after all, we had seen a heartbeat.

In the early morning on the day of my appointment, bleeding began anew. And the hope died even before the kindly nurse practitioner searched in vain for a heartbeat, then called in a doctor just to make sure.

I already knew.

Jon and I both had a strong impression from the beginning that this baby was a boy. A few weeks later, I had one of those waves of sadness and prayed that God would take care of our lost little one. And a name was pressed into my mind: Evan. With it was a mental picture of a little toddler boy running through a meadow.

Sometimes I still think about him. I wonder if he's waiting for us.

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Last Thursday, I had a positive pregnancy test. I made an appointment with a gynecologist for yesterday afternoon. Yesterday morning I started cramping and bleeding. The doctor was so nice and sympathetic. He did a sonogram. Look, he said, here's the sac. It's still there. It measures perfectly for five weeks. Be optimistic, he said. I've seen women with more serious symptoms than yours go on to have healthy babies. Wait a while, he said. Make an appointment for next week, and we'll check again. Be optimistic, he repeated, as he squeezed my hand.

But this is my third time. I already know. I'd like to be proven wrong. But I don't have it in me to be optimistic. Not about this.

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Our next appointment is Tuesday afternoon. Please pray for us. Blogging isn't the best way to tell you what's happening, but I just couldn't face making phone calls right now.

Glory Baby lyrics by Watermark