Anxiety

It's there all the time, when I'm pregnant. I stave it off, sometimes, by immersing myself in other people's lives: books, TV, activity, conversation. But it thrums beneath the surface.

...what if something's wrong? what if I'm fooling myself? I shouldn't have smiled and told that person that everything's okay, i'm just asking for trouble... any minute, it could all go horribly wrong. just have to get to the birth. just hold on, baby. a few more weeks. what's that twinge? is this the beginning of the end? should I call the doctor? no, just wait, see if it passes, look there's a kick, everything's fine, but what if it's not? how would I know? what if my water just broke? what would I do next? I'm deluding myself, I shouldn't expect everything to be fine, that's exactly the point at which it all goes wrong....

Then the fun times when it is not beneath the surface, but washes over me. Nightmares, yes, but also waking attacks. A something, a different sensation, a negative thought or story. My skin prickles and gets hot, my face flushes, muscles tense. I am positive that Bad Things are beginning. I start to calculate my baby's chances out in the world, to figure out what to do if I need to go to the hospital Right Now. I'm nauseated and breathless and tears come to my eyes but do not overflow. Crying would be a relief, but my body and mind are too wound up in the dark spiral of "what if."

...oh my God, what if something's wrong? what if I'm fooling myself? any minute, it could all go horribly wrong. just have to get to the birth. just hold on, baby. what's that twinge? is this the beginning of the end? should I call the doctor? no, just wait, see if it passes, look there's a kick, everything's fine, but what if it's not? how would I know? I'm deluding myself, I shouldn't expect everything to be fine, that's exactly the point at which it all goes wrong....

"Call if something doesn't feel right," the doctor said kindly. She probably says that to everyone. Althought she smiled sympathetically when I told her that one of my pregnancy symptoms is high anxiety, I doubt she really understands that if I really called whenever "something doesn't feel right," the poor woman would be deluged.

Anxiety, and melancholy, seem to be natural parts of my personality, even when I'm not pregnant. Even panic attacks, though it was only years later that I recognized what they were. In pregnancy, though, everything is magnified. Anxiety walks with me every day, rather than just once in a while when I'm under stress. My rather precarious reproductive and medical histories don't help. It is difficult even for my doctor to tell me what physical symptoms would be normal or not. Because I am not normal. I have a concrete medical history of abnormalities. Relatively rare ones, at that.

...I'm sorry my womb is not the right shape, baby, can you hold on anyway? what if something's wrong? what if I'm fooling myself? any minute, it could all go horribly wrong. just have to get to the birth. just hold on, baby. what's that twinge? is this the beginning of the end? should I call the doctor? no, just wait, see if it passes, look there's a kick, everything's fine, but what if it's not? how would I know? I'm deluding myself, I shouldn't expect everything to be fine, that's exactly the point at which it all goes wrong....

Turning down the thrumming, trying to talk myself out of the anxious spiral, have side effects. I rarely "trust my gut." I wonder if anyone who deals with higher anxiety does. MY gut tells me darkness is descending, even when it's not. My gut tells me I will be exposed as weak and stupid and useless. My gut says I'm foolish to believe everything will turn out all right. I hear people refer to their instincts, their gut feeling that something is right or wrong. To function right here, right now, I must mistrust such feelings.

Sometimes I wonder how much I miss because of that...the real communications from my body, my spirit, even from my family and from God, that get lost while I hunker down and wait out the next anxiety wave. (Don't talk to me, Katrina! I'm busy obsessing over here!)

Ironically, that's my biggest fear: that in trying to control my fear, I'll miss something I really should be afraid of.